The first in an experimental series on Craigslist’s Missed Connections section. I don’t look at the post, I just read the title, come up with an idea as to what it could be about, and then go from there…it’s gonna be weird, so…don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Pizza skins! Sunday Night.

He invited me over–for a good time, he said. I didn’t know what I was in for. Pizza and skin, I thought he said–maybe some play on pizza and football, or some loosely-phrased jargon about sex? But no. It was worse. Much. Worse.

It hung in chains on the wall: a shining circle of grease and meat and carbs. Panic was in its eyes.

“Not like this, not like this!” it screamed, as my host ran a finger down its savory crust. Grease dripped slowly down, collecting in a pool on the linoleum below, splattering on the wall behind. Gently, almost lovingly, my host reached forward with his tongue, licking the topmost layer of cheese and pepperoni.

“Please, I have a family…” it sobbed. “A–a wife and breadsticks, back home! They’re in the oven, they’ll be waiting for m-AAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!” My host–overcome with the heavenly aroma of garlic butter-scented tears, tears into the pizza face first, ripping off a chunk of toppings, and leaving the marinara-coated crust exposed. It cries, lunging against its chains in agony, begging for mercy. My host smiles at me.

“Would you like to try some?”